


Swords and Daggers

by Timur



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Comedy, Crack, Ensemble Cast, I'm so sorry Ushijima, If you think a line is a bad joke it probably is, Inspired by Romeo and Juliet, Lewd puns, M/M, NO DEATHS, Oikawa plays both parts somehow, Sarcasm, Tooru is a bit of an ass to him and he's playing Paris.., implied Kinkuni, implied kagehina, sword puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 08:30:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16114670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timur/pseuds/Timur
Summary: An Iwaoi retelling of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.A tale of two idiots in love, this time not ending in tragedy, but only embarrassment (and a happy ending). Expect lots of puns about swords and other lewd jokes.





	Swords and Daggers

Two houses, both alike in dignity,  
In fair ~~Verona~~ Sendai, where we lay our scene,  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean,  
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,  
A pair of star-crossed lovers shall fail to take their life.

* * *

CAST

HOUSE OIKAWA  
Lord Oikawa, head of house Oikawa  
Tooru, son and heir of Lord Oikawa  
Servant Kageyama  
Servant Kunimi

HOUSE IWAIZUMI  
Lord Iwaizumi, head of house Iwaizumi  
Hajime, son and heir of Lord Iwaizumi  
Servant Hinata  
Servant Kindaichi 

OTHERS  
Lord Ushijima, head of house Ushijima  
The Prince, ruler of Sendai  
The Apothecary, a commoner

* * *

SCENE 1  
Sendai, a public place

[Enter KAGEYAMA and KUNIMI, of the house of Oikawa, armed with baseball bats and small swords]

Kageyama: I swear you, soon Lord Oikawa will make me a knight.  
Kunimi: Oh? And how do you think you will gain his personal favour?  
Kageyama: My skill with the sword will be enough.  
Kunimi, smirking: And how will you show him your sword skills?  
Kageyama: I will impale one of his enemies on my blade.  
Kunimi: And which of his enemies did you have in mind?  
Kageyama: His most bitter enemy of course, Lord Iwaizumi, who insulted our lord most dishonourably!  
Kunimi: You’re going to impale Lord Iwaizumi personally?!  
Kageyama: Of course not, I’m not a fool. Just one of his mindless servants.

[Enter HINATA and KINDAICHI, of the house of Iwaizumi, armed with sledgehammers and daggers]

Kageyama: Speak of the devil.  
Hinata: Says the one threatening to stab us with his puny sword.  
Kageyama: Look at your own tiny blade.  
Kindaichi: Can you please stop comparing your blades, for just one moment.  
Kunimi, whispering: Oh, I was just starting to enjoy it.  
Hinata: Stop looking at my blade, and worry more about my mighty hammer!  
Kageyama: And you’d better watch my bat.  
[Hinata and Kageyama fight, Kunimi and Kindaichi are forced to join to defend their friends]  
[Enter LORD OIKAWA]  
Lord Oikawa: Stop, you fools! Fighting in the streets is strictly forbidden.  
[Enter LORD IWAIZUMI]  
Lord Iwaizumi, drawing his rapier: I knew you were plotting something, Oikawa…  
Lord Iwaizumi: But even I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be so dishonourable to let blood flow in the streets.  
Lord Oikawa, drawing his rapier: You dare call me dishonourable after the thing you pulled?!

[They fight]  
[Enter the PRINCE]

The Prince: Rebellious subjects! Stand down at once!  
The Prince: Too long have you two fought, too long have you threatened the peace of our great city. Three times now have you fought in our streets. But now will be the last time, the next time I see you stabbing each other, you will be banned forever! Now everyone leave on pain of death. Lord Iwaizumi, come with me. Lord Oikawa, I will speak to you in the afternoon.  
[All leave except LORD OIKAWA, KUNIMI and KAGEYAMA]

Lord Oikawa: Tell me, who started this mess?  
Kunimi: Lord Iwaizumi’s servants attacked us.  
Kageyama: They were mightily upset about the size of our swords!  
Lord Oikawa: God have mercy.  
Lord Oikawa: Has any of you seen my son? Glad he wasn’t involved in this.  
Kunimi: I saw Tooru in the morning,  
Kageyama: Oiling his muscles,  
Kunimi: Taking lessons in wrestling.  
Lord Oikawa: He has been training a lot lately, right?  
Kunimi: Yes.. There is something on his mind.  
Kageyama, whispering: Or someone..

[Enter TOORU]

Kunimi: Here he comes. I’ll talk to him if you don’t mind.  
Lord Oikawa: Good, Kageyama, come with me.

[LORD OIKAWA and KAGEYAMA leave]

Kunimi: Goodmorning to you, Tooru!  
Tooru: It’s certainly a morning.  
Kunimi: Still upset?  
Tooru: What was I thinking?  
Kunimi: That doesn’t sound good..  
Tooru: Yesterday I saw him on the court,  
Tooru: Handling a ball most gracefully.  
Kunimi: Your “True Love”, right?  
Tooru, glaring: And I, like an idiot, confessed right away.  
Kunimi: Well, at least you finally took the chance.  
Tooru: He just looked at me, with those puppy eyes, and just walked away.  
Kunimi: Ouch.  
Tooru: What am I going to do?!  
Kunimi: Find another handsome fellow.. I know just the thing.  
Tooru: I hope you’re not suggesting Lord Ushijima..  
Kunimi, grinning: Would I ever betray your trust?  
Tooru: Yes.  
Kunimi: Don’t worry, it’s not him. Besides, what choice do you have but to trust me? We should find someone for you soon, or do I need to remind you that Lord Oikawa has been threatening to marry you if you couldn’t find someone rich yourself soon.

* * *

SCENE 2  
Lord Oikawa’s residence

[ENTER LORD OIKAWA and LORD USHIJIMA]

Lord Ushijima: Nasty business this. And now the Prince is watching you like a hawk for any transgressions.  
Lord Oikawa: Don’t you worry. My rival is bound the same as me.  
Lord Ushijima: Don’t forget that many other lords would be happy to see you both fall.  
Lord Oikawa: What are you suggesting?  
Lord Ushijima: That while you two only had eyes for each other, other lords wanted to take your place, and now both your hands are bound..  
Lord Ushijima: A formal alliance between us would be most beneficial.  
Lord Oikawa: It would be. But I will still not give you those shipping rights you wanted.  
Lord Ushijima: Last time we spoke you insisted on increasing your share on the consumables market and wanted a piece of my meat?  
Lord Oikawa: Yes, that would have to be a part of the deal.  
Lord Ushijima: Maybe you could offer me something else in return?  
Lord Oikawa: I’m not sure what I could offer you.  
Lord Oikawa: Hmm, just an inquiry, are you still looking for a spouse?  
Lord Ushijima: I thought you were happily married?  
Lord Oikawa: No, no, no! I mean yes, I am happily married. I had someone else in mind.  
Lord Oikawa: How about my son, Tooru, I am sure you have met?  
Lord Ushijima: Indeed. He did not seem interested though.  
Lord Oikawa: Oh I assure, he can not stop talking about you.  
Lord Ushijima: It is settled then.

* * *

SCENE 3  
Behind the Iwaizumi residence

[Enter KUNIMI and TOORU, wearing masks]

Tooru: A masked ball.  
Kunimi: Perfect to meet some new people!  
Tooru: A MASKED ball. Filled with Iwaizumi’s.  
Kunimi: They’ll never suspect us.  
Tooru: Know that I am glaring at you right now.  
Kunimi, grinning behind his mask: Picture my face properly afraid.  
Tooru: Also, back to my comment, a masked ball?!  
Tooru: How am I supposed to know which one of these people is an attractive one?  
Kunimi: What is inside you is what matters.  
Tooru: Oh, thank you for that image, that helps tremendously.  
Kunimi: Now, push me up.  
Tooru: How do you know how to enter this place anyway?  
Kunimi: I’ve entered here before.  
Tooru: What?  
Kunimi: Just trust me, I know where we’re going.  
Tooru: How?  
Kunimi: I know someone inside.  
Tooru: Why?  
Kunimi: Let’s just say that while you were busy moping, I studied the blade.  
Tooru: Ok, let’s just pretend I didn’t hear any of that.

[KUNIMI and TOORU climb over the wall into the Iwaizumi residence]

* * *

SCENE 4  
The Iwaizumi Ballroom

[Enter HAJIME and KINDAICHI and various guests]

Kindaichi: Show me that move again, Hajime.  
Hajime: Sure.  
Hajime: So, why this sudden interest in dancing, Kindaichi?  
Kindaichi: Um, um.  
Hajime: Oh? Is there some lucky guy you want to spin around you?  
Kindaichi: I, I think that has been enough practise for now.

[Enter TOORU and KUNIMI, wearing masks]

Kunimi: May I have the next dance?  
Tooru: Hey! Don’t leave me alone!  
Kunimi: So not sorry. Have fun!

[KUNIMI and KINDAICHI leave]

Hajime: Terrible, to be so heartlessly abandoned by your friend.  
Tooru: Right, and especially here, right in the lion’s d… um.  
Tooru: Uuh, shouldn’t you be wearing a mask? Masked ball?  
Hajime: Ooh? Is my face so unpleasant to you? That not only you wish to flee the scene, but want my face be masked as well?  
Hajime: Charmed to meet you too.  
Tooru: No, no, I’m sorry, your face is quite..  
Tooru: Uh, handsome.  
Hajime: Ah, a charmer too. I’m sure the ladies are absolutely swooned by your neat, little compliments.  
Tooru: I’m more of a swordsman if you catch my thrust.  
Tooru: As for you, I’m sure that they are absolutely thrilled by your ‘nice’ remarks. Although if you’re lucky any potential suitor is too distracted by your thick strong arms to notice what’s coming out of your mouth.  
Hajime: I can assure you that not only my arms are strong.  
Tooru: Really? Care to give me a demonstration?  
Hajime: How about a dance?  
Tooru: Not what I had in mind, but it’s a start.

[They dance]

* * *

SCENE 5  
A secluded space

[Enter TOORU and HAJIME]

Tooru: Hajime, oh Hajime, Wherefore art thou Hajime.  
Hajime: Speak for yourself, Shittykawa.  
Tooru: Deny your father and abandon your crappy name, and I’ll do the same and no longer be a Oikawa.  
Hajime: That’s a terrible idea Dumbkawa. We are both the only heirs, do you really think they’ll let us go?  
Tooru: I sense a lack of imagination, Stupidizumi.  
Hajime: Can’t be worse than your creativity with coming up with nicknames.  
Tooru: “I” am the one with bad nicknames?!  
Hajime: Ok, let’s call this battle of words a draw ok?  
Tooru: I still demand a rematch.  
Hajime: You admit I’m the better dancer or the better wit?  
Tooru: I’m certainly not impressed yet by your tongue.  
Hajime: Oh, you’re on.  
Tooru: You can have the choice of weapon.  
Hajime: How about the sword.  
Tooru: What a romantic you are, Iwa-chan.

* * *

SCENE 6  
Lord Oikawa’s palace

[Enter LORD OIKAWA and TOORU]

Lord Oikawa: Tooru, in a fortnight you will marry Lord Ushiwaka.  
Tooru: I'd rather kill him in his sleep.  
Lord Oikawa: Hmmmm, interesti..  
Lord Oikawa: ...  
Lord Oikawa, winking: I mean, that would be highly illegal, and if they'd catch you we wouldn't inherit his rich, fertile lands.  
Tooru: Crap.  
Tooru: How about I marry Lord Iwaizumi's heir instead? No more silly rivalry, and he's a lot richer than that idiot Ushiwaka.  
Lord Oikawa: Ooooh! We'll make a good Lord Oikawa out of you yet my son.  
Lord Oikawa: But no, that would be far too risky. They'd never believe we'd forget and forgive our rivalry, nor believe you'd actually love that uncultured son of his.  
Tooru: Double crap.

* * *

SCENE 7  
An apothecary

[Enter HAJIME and TOORU]

Hajime: This is the worst plan ever.  
Tooru: Hush, Iwa-chan.  
Tooru: We take some magic potion, fake-die, and become international volleyball players of mystery.  
Hajime: That sounds somehow even more terrible than your first explanation.  
Tooru: It’ll work, I promise.  
Hajime: *cough* It’s not an Oikawa plot, until at least 2 people die and a princess turns into a toad, all by accident.  
Tooru: Very funny.. See if you can come up with a better plan, muscle-for-brains.

[Enter the APOTHECARY]

Apothecary: How can I help you?  
Tooru: We’re looking for a potion, to fake death.  
Tooru: For science of course.  
Apothecary: Of course..  
Apothecary: The active ingredient of the potion is pineapple. I’m sure you know the Prince banned that vile fruit, after once having been served pizza with it. The Prince would be most displeased if someone was found selling one of these potions, in the small yellow bottles on the shelf next to the love potions for only 50 ducats. Bags are free.  
Hajime: What.  
Tooru: Right. One single bag for 50 ducats please.  
Tooru, whispering to Hajime: “Steal” the potion please.

* * *

SCENE 8  
Inside a crypt

Hajime: This does not taste like pineapple.  
Tooru: Huh, I agree, it’s a little bit more like marzipan.  
Hajime: Oh no.  
Tooru: What?  
Hajime: What else tastes like almonds? Starts with “c” ends with “yanide”?  
Tooru: O shit.  
Hajime: Um..  
Tooru: What are we going to do?!  
Hajime: Uh..  
Tooru: Oh Hajime, I’m so sorry, at least we die together.  
Hajime: Wait.. Next to the bottle with fake poison were the bottles with “love” potions, right?  
Tooru: Yes…  
Hajime: I have a certain feeling we accidentally took one of those.  
Tooru: How so?  
Hajime: Um…  
Hajime: Look down?  
Tooru: Is this a dagger I see before me?  
Hajime: …  
Hajime: No, you idiot.  
Tooru: ..  
Tooru: Oh.

* * *

SCENE 9  
Outside the crypt:

[Enter LORD USHIJIMA and LORD OIKAWA]

Lord Ushijima: Make haste! My betrothed should be here!  
Lord Oikawa: I’m sure that message was nothing to worry about, just a juvenile prank.

[Enter LORD IWAIZUMI]

In unison, Lord Oikawa & Lord Iwaizumi: It’s a trap!

[Terrible screams and moaning come out of the crypt]  
Lord Iwaizumi: …  
Lord Oikawa: …  
Lord Ushijima: Make haste! Tooru may still be alive!

* * *

SCENE 10  
Inside the crypt

[The Lords enter, unnoticed by TOORU & HAJIME, who a currently too busy to notice the intruders]

Lord Ushijima: Um, sorry to intrude..  
Tooru: *Screams*  
Hajime: *Screams*

Lord Ushijima: And, you said Tooru couldn’t stop talking about me?  
Lord Oikawa: Um, technically that is true..  
Lord Oikawa: Believe me this is as much as a surprise to you as it is to me.

Lord Iwaizumi: Let’s never, ever speak of what happened here again.  
Lord Oikawa: That’s a guarantee.

* * *

And everyone lived happily and deeply embarrassed ever after.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Shakespeare was an interesting fellow. I tried to keep it somewhat in the style that Shakespeare intended, ie. filled with lewd puns. Sadly English has changed so much over the centuries since it was written, that readers nowadays don't see the jokes and you'll need an annotated version to understand them.
> 
> Shakespeare lived in a time with great social change. With the church reformations happening in England, new customs were appearing in how to approach love. His works often promote these new customs. This work promotes a "new" ideal of marriage out of love, instead of arranged marriages. (For commoners at least)
> 
> Romeo and Juliet was intended as a 'tragedy' in the Greek tradition, fate and and bad circumstances bring doom to the characters. In this case the bad circumstances is the hatred between these two families, poisoning everything they do. Romeo and Juliet are both very young (Juliet is 13 or something?!), and so what is intended as a short fling ends up in their deaths.
> 
> The 'love' between Romeo and Juliet is made fun of in the original work. Romeo's intentions are forgetting a crush who rejected him with a new pretty face (and lust), Juliet is trying to get out of a forced marriage with a man she doesn't love, and does not have much experience with love. But what should have ended with a short romance between two young people, instead ends up their deaths, because of the hatred between their families and the arranged marriage. Thus the tragedy part.
> 
> In retrospect I might have used some more modern English. Shakespeare's characters weren't meant to speak extremely fancy, the 'art' and 'thou' were normal language in the time it was written. On the other hand the play is still taking part in the past and using these words do make it feel a bit more ancient..
> 
> Also, I'm so sorry Ushijima, you were just the perfect character to use as Paris and give a silly rivalry between you and Tooru. Next time I'll give him something better!
> 
> In this version Iwaizumi and Tooru are about 21 or so, and people make no big deal about same-sex marriage.


End file.
